S & G ask us to sing along, "i am a rock, i am an island...i have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain. it's laughter and loving i disdain...if i never loved i never would have cried." experience teaches me that self-reliance is death. on the otherhand, trust necessitates a degree of risk and uncertainty (both of which are elements of adventure). while these often bring fear... the positive outcome is worth the unhappy chance of a negative result. i came to the conclusion that it is no longer the goal of life to live without pain, nor to live for pleasure alone. the goal of life is to live (for our redeemer), giving proper thought to both the present and the future. the past belongs in a seperate catagory, a means of remembering both the pleasant and painful. so what does it mean when we stay silent and refuse to sing those words, "i am a rock, i am an island"? it means we trust: the assured reliance in something, whether it be character or ability. it seems that the only one to have complete trust in is God, but thats the obvious sunday school answer that will get you a pat on the head and a watermelon sucker. you may even find yourself the topic of conversation after the morning meeting, "isn't little johnny so bright." but seriously, lets look at something that provides us the possibiliy of dissapointment. i don't mean to imply that God can never dissapoint us. while our part in his plot may not be to our likeing, i must admit to myself that im but a young turtle, unschooled in the ways of running both the spiritual and physical realms. its people that let us down and dont live up to our expectations (which may or may not be foolish). the opposite of trust is control. its interesting that God trusts us (a people who continually fail) by giving us free will, allowing himself no control over us. imagine if it was the other way around and he had a bunch of little johnnys running around spouting off their sunday school answers for the teacher. when i come to grips with the fact that God trusts me, i have to reconsider all the mindless actions i preform everyday.
the best way for me to remember that my will is a gift and the outcome of my life is directly affected by my choices, is a waring worldview. doubtless there is spiritual warfare going on at all times, but we are almost oblivious to it happening. my competetive spirit, which may have aided only in the promotion of my flesh over my spirit man, can now be weilded in such a way that it becomes an asset. will i allow myself to be defeated, or will Christ be found to be victorious over my life through a spiritual victory? while the war is spiritual, and i am driven to surrender myself as a means of becoming stronger (for he is strong in our weakness) i apply this principle to my phisical self as well. i beat my body and make it my slave so i will not be diquailfied my prize. my journey, yet unfinished has become such a real experience that it seems to take visual form:

"i woke up and the world outside was dark
all so quiet before the dawn
opened up the door and walked outside
the ground was cold

i walked until i couldn’t walk any more
to a place i’d never been
there was something stirring in the air
in front of me, i could see

more than this
more than this
so much more than this
there is something else there
when all that you had has all gone
and more than this
i stand
feeling so connected
and i’m all there
right next to you "

- peter gabriel
"more than this"

letter from a concerned follower
"it's weird to think of all the things
that have not been keeping up with the times
it's ten o'clock the sun has now
just begun to set the western hills on fire
i hear that you don't change
how do you expect to keep up with the trends
you won't survive the information age
unless you plan to change the truth
to accommodate the brilliance of men
the brilliance of men
some folks think we're better now
social evolution's new synthetic will
will keep us on a straighter path
as better men use brand new math
with no wrong answers
i'm just a little bit worried
do you have some sort of plan
have you been finally defeated
by the cunning of these fully evolved men
i hear that you don't change
how do you expect to keep up with the trends
you won't survive the information age
unless you plan to change the truth
to accommodate the brilliance of men
yeah, the brilliance of man."

-Pedro the Lion-

reflections in the mirror call to attention the things that need examining and perhaps rearranging. i spend an extra 15 minutes in the shower trying to analyze whats going on inside my head. im not one to deal with uncertainty well, and at this point, the life before me seems to be befuddling at best. perhaps all i have to do is surrender it all to God. the perfect textbook answer, but what does that really mean and where will that lead? i dont know if i want to go to Africa or India. i want to be married first, i want to have kids, what if Steph doesn't want to follow me?... excuses roll on. the last question is always the same: what would be the outcome if i surrendered?

these past weeks, ive been challenged in ways that i thought would make me break. the quieter side wanted to crawl back and be where i was, content to be mediocre in everything i have ever done, including loving God. what does it take to truly be a great christian? do i have to write awe-inspiring books, pray for hours on end, or do i need to give everything i own to the poor? these are questions everyone asks in one form or another during some points in their lives. there must be a challenge to doing something that will leave a lasting impression on those we leave behind once weve gone from this place. after reading Ecclesiastes, i agreed with it all and sat with my head in my hands quietly saying, "everything is meaningless." relationships, school, money, everything that man can chase after. such a depressing thought!

at that point, my old friend despair, whom I seldom see anymore, introduces me to his partner, temptation. her lure is so strong i nearly fall head long into her. she offers me her hand, as if to say, "accept me. ill make you happy. you can take me at my word." she winks and passes me a sly smile. wet lips hide broken teeth and a poison tongue. i look her over as if to consider her offer. beautiful yet hollow. a cheap version of everything i thought i ever wanted. "piss on you despair; you never could give me the answers i was looking for." i turn away and walk out of the shadow covered room which seems to have gotten a bit brighter. another battle won only to have the entire situation played over again a few moments later. sometimes my reaction mirrors that of my former response. sometimes i take her hand and kiss her soft cheek. Christ betrayed again. i walk out of the room with her to go to a place of deeper darkness, still lost and unsatisfied.

time to make an effort to repent. lying in bed, i close my eyes and whisper to God, "you know what i want to say. please forgive me." it sounds so routine and over-rehearsed. lack of authenticity or just weak? though it seems in these periods of our lives that nothing makes sense which one did, i know better. there is only one who has ever been steadfast and firm place to ground myself among the marshes that threaten me on either side. how great does God's grace appear when weve been lifted from our former state!

i know thats its been a whole month since i last wrote anything in my blog (or even checked my email). my heart and face has been downcast in shame as i have consistently proved myself to be proficient at failing my Savior. for this past month i have been in a constant state of questioning. what am i doing in school? = why arent i a missionary. why am i in this relationship? = i would be happier single and better able to serve God (as Paul tells us). why do i have any possessions? = a simpler life would allow for more peace and therefore a better ability to hear God's voice and obey. what i have found in my humble search is that God must be in what i am doing, otherwise it is pointless. ive tried to find peace and comfort in everything from food to music to my girlfriend, never seeking the face of God in any of these things. all my attempts at fulfillment failed. my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. who can purify me? who can forgive me? who is faithful? only Jesus. these life lessons seem so simple as i type them, yet even in my heart i fear that i will forget these things are backslide. "blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to Yahweh. blessed are they who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart. they do nothing wrong; they walk in his ways. You have laid down precepts which are to be fully obeyed. oh that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! then i would not be put to shame when i consider all your commands. i will praise you with an upright heart as i learn your righteous laws. i will obey your decrees; do not utterly forsake me." i would that my life reflect this passage as reality. oh Lord forgive me, i will never go back to my old way again. for it is by the confession of our sins that we are healed. help me to not just see, but obey your calling on my life. help me not to be afraid, but only to obey out of love because of your great kindness. help me not to question or reconsider your call. give me a discerning ear and heart. give me wisdom and compassion that i may lead. thank you that you have made me the head and not the tail.

while humility often escapes me, i can say that it is a condition necessary when coming before God= "a contrite heart He will not refuse." after a week of intimacy with God, his face before my eyes, i feel like i could go out an call the holy fire of the Most High down on any porn shack i wanted to. my words (which would be His) would bring repentance, not out of fear, but because of His great kindness. i wonder if thoughts of great things, which i know are too wonderful for me, are sinful? im i thinking to highly of myself, even though i recognize it would be God's grace upon me, enabling me to do these things? or, im i simply thinking about what every Christian could become. i know that the Holy Spirit is so often seen to be a subject that cause so much controversy that we split our churches in half and go our separate ways, both parties declaring to be right. the Holy Spirit has been heavily on my mind this past week. ive just come to a point where i realize that my "powers of persuasion" will not win others to our King in the way His Spirit working through me can. im tired of not having the power displayed in the early church. why cant others be healed simply by coming into contact with my shadow? man! sometimes i get myself so excited over the possibilities to be found in the freedom of Christs yoke! to those who would say that Christianity is just a crutch, i would dare to wager theyve never had to keep pure while their flesh wants to rip off their girlfriend's shirt. that is a different breed of strength, one that cannot be found in me except for the potent power of the grace of God. grace; its like your atomic bomb against any scheme of the enemies. drop 1 Cor. 6:12 on those...tell them to go to...where they belong. how i wish i could swear right now, scream those relieving words to satan and his minions (would that be a sin?). when he starts to remind me of my past, ill simply turn around and remind him of his future, ill remind him that hes been named for the execution and its only a matter of time. let us take encouragement in knowing the future. our existence is a constant battle, who are we going to side with, lets choose this day whom we will serve.
"The reconstruction commences; the soldiers equip for the lessons
My life, a sacrifice is made new through these confessions
Manifested, this joy is my desire
Light this fire to flames; praise the name, Jehovah Jireh
Is my provider, the truth that lives inside of this fighter?
Take me higher, Master, Sire makes me a good rider
I'm gonna ride on down til I break through the front lines
And ain't going home until I gets mines
I grab a hold of my second chance, this time gonna make it last
Left the world came back an Outkast
To lay among the remains, through the trials and the pains
Run for cover, make shelter, uncharted terrains
Bloodstains light the paths to the ways of living breath
My soul is put to the test
Blessed with a mic in my hand, Jah make straight my steps
Then I hooked up with Payable On Death
We flow in Unity, stand in One while the foolish be
Lost in this hour, with Power we have Authority
To overcome while these cowards just pick up and run
We ain't done till this battle has been fought and won
The victory, how sweet it be, is already ours
Holding the stars, is the man that carries my scars
Always the same, I wear his name with now shame
Here in this Battle Cry, we will never die."
having taken most of my life for granted, ill now take a stand in the right place. not in my own circle, not in the worlds, but in the King of Kings. do we ascribe to Him those titles that are His alone? to we realize that the one we serve has a warriors heart while extending love to us? sufficient praise can never be given.

sitting here in my cold and impersonal room, surrounded by white walls, meaningless papers, and endless amounts of homework i am dressed in a full sweat suit with my hair wrapped back. i suck on lemon-honey cough drops, and take a drink of the water bottle (which is now room temperature) sitting next to me on my desk. i want to be somewhere else.
imaginations of a warm fireplace with a leather chair and classical McFerrin and YoYoMa playing softly in the background force their way into the forefront of my mind. accompanied by my Bible and a warm drink (at the present time, some alcoholic libation, merely to sip at my leisure, has impressed itself on my mind after a strange dream. while amusing, i dont consider the dream to be prophetic by any means! and NO, i dont consider it hypocrisy or contradictory to have a Bible and a drink together, for i will not be mastered by anything.). i can see outside through a large window that the snow is lightly falling on the pine trees which outline our yard. my wife (this would be future tense) is next to me talking about where we want to travel for our 5 year anniversary. we discuss a few possibilities, and share a kiss which is familiar yet impassioned. her hair gracefully falls onto her face as she leans back in her chair with a look of satisfaction and happiness. Titus, my yellow lab, sits at my feet, his eyes roaming lazily about the room that is dimly lit only by the fire. the house is filled with the Holy Spirit, and the anointing flows, adding to the warmth of the fire.
these delusions of grandeur are often interrupted by some exam i didn't do good enough on, or my not being a good boyfriend (which is at the top of my "most painful" list along with being a bad servant of Christ and being a bad son/big brother). while on one hand i yearn for an easy life of peace and intellectualism, on the other hand i desire to be some strong frontiersman, blazing a new trail to spiritual truth and experience. while this conflict is always raging, in varying degrees of severity, i have to try and choose between my two visions. i suppose i have to look at which can deliver a greater service to the kingdom, but oftentimes i think with my flesh, and my will betrays me. being in constant battle with both self and the outside world has the tendency to break you down. and, while we have the promise of being struck down yet not destroyed, i believe lies and simply trust in my falleness. yet again, i have a promise of being a citizen of heaven, a co-heir with Christ, a royal priest. how do i live these promises? now that is a question worth asking. its one thing to be able to quote scripture all day long, its quite another to live the life we are called to. i guess its the difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge. i know that i can have a life of thought while still holding to my "warrior ideals of spiritual conquest," but make no mistake, it is a balancing act. ive never really wanted to be a tightrope walker (or any other kind of carni/circus performer) but it often seems like, as a Christian, thats the life we lead. for my part, im tired of that kind of life. i need a lift, just a little shove in the right direction. amidst this life saturated with materialism, i need something to be real. im not asking for some huge experience or great feeling of goose bumps all over, i just want intimacy. and, i dont just want it once, but at every moment of the day, by the grace of God, through Jesus Christ, and by the Holy Spirit. may i be "a fragrance of Christ to God among those who and being saved and among those who are perishing." may i not to settle for mediocrity, in my Christian life, or anywhere else; but by His strength, be a man of integrity and truth. humble in all i do, yet empowered by the Spirit to live a life of holiness.